The Perils of Holiday Dressing

The Fourth of July is a day when I steer clear of anything remotely patriotic. Unfortunately, I got an eyeful of a woman about my mother’s age (and please note my mother is pushing seventy) outfitted in a red-white-and-blue getup from head to toe. It was something like a skintight tank top with a glittering flag transfer and denim short-shorts. A red sequined scrunchie and screaming red lipstick capped off the look. There is really only one day on the calendar that should be tolerated, and it’s October 31st.

At a young age I was like any other kid who took dressing for the occasion literally on holidays. For Halloween, I had a haunted house sweater and plenty of plastic pumpkin jewelry, including one battery-powered necklace that flashed on and off (and probably annoyed the hell out of passersby). There were a few occasions I dressed up like my interpretation of pilgrim on Thanksgiving. For Christmas, I had the works—printed turtlenecks, festive socks, a Santa snowglobe necklace, even a feathered sweater with matching gold leggings which I considered my “holiday outfit”. I had plenty of heart-themed crap for Valentine’s Day and a cropped lavender jacket that I wore every Easter until I outgrew it. And I always decorated the house, albeit sometimes to the point of tackiness.

I still love holidays and always enjoy getting into the spirit, but as sentient adults I think we need to be able to draw the line fashionwise. Though it would be generally agreed minishorts and a Lycra tank shouldn’t be seen on any seventy-year-old woman outside the confines of a trailer park, it isn’t really fit that’s the biggest concern in this case. I have seen plenty of women (and men!) publicly decked out in the most gagworthy clothes that seem to fit just fine: head boppers, flashing ties, oversized theme jewelry, prints that make you need a dose of antacid every time you set eyes on them. Some people must think that any holiday besides Halloween is an excuse to waltz into the office just short of being in full-on costume. And no, just because Grandma made you that Santa sweater doesn’t give you the right to parade it around in full view. The way I see it, suiting up as Santa in the workplace or morphing into a walking American flag on Independence Day is actually more of an insult than a salute to the occasion. Never mind that no one really needed an eyeful of Trailer Trash Lady’s cottage-cheese-on-steroids thighs on display, her flagrant outfit made the dimples even more obvious than they would be under normal circumstances. But I’m thinking she still could have given a nod to patriotism in a navy sundress or red sandals.

Generally, any type of accessorizing that revolves around a theme should be approached with caution. After about age 12, holiday dressing begins to change meaning from a color-coded dress-up game to a bit of extra glitz that shouldn’t go overkill. Unsure about guidelines? If you find yourself looking like a walking Christmas tree on Christmas or a living, breathing American flag on Independence day, you’re clearly missing the mark.